Life After the River

“I didn’t count the days.”

“Well, I did. Every one of’em. Mostly I remember the last one…a guy standing on a station platform in the rain with a comical look on his face because his insides have been kicked out.” – Rick Blaine, Casablanca, 1939

Let’s be real, guys – 2016 was a very rough year for a lot of us. Just like a series of bad runs at the tables, it can leave you questioning everything from your sanity to your basic purpose in life as bad beat after bad beat comes down on top of you. Pretty soon you start second-guessing yourself. Your ability to make sound judgment calls disappears. Sometimes a piece of your sanity goes along with it. That’s the moment you get to reunite with our old friend, Mr. Tilt. You make stupid decisions, get too busy beating yourself up over them that you make more, and the cycle continues. You’ve crashed and burned your way into another perfect day…another perfect night…another perfect year.

I’m coming out of this year at a loss – loss in poker, loss in people, and loss in love. I’ve had friends and family pass on in more ways and more numbers that I’d like to count. My poker bankroll from this year is in the red for the first time in a while, and love, as Amy Winehouse cautioned, has been a losing game for me this time around.

So, sitting here – broken, disappointed, and philosophically inclined – where do we go from this?

Here’s a rough plan to help you come back after that bad beat (or other form of loss).

Remove yourself from the Situation

A crippling loss or defeat can leave us too emotionally invested to think clearly. When you’re hit, sometimes it’s not possible to recover in the moment. You’ll need to take a step back and cut your losses. You’re not quitting. You haven’t lost. You just need time.

This step can take several forms. I know some poker players who will take a walk around the table or the poker room after getting hit with a bad beat. They say that it gets rid of bad luck. What it actually does is give them a short moment to remove themselves from the situation and see if they can keep on playing. If that doesn’t help, a further withdrawal is needed – maybe cashing out and not playing anymore that night. The same strategy applies to emotional loss – get yourself away from the situation. Don’t talk to your ex. If you’re an extrovert, get quality time with friends. If you’re an introvert, go somewhere alone to recharge. Regardless, keep this image in mind: you’re a fighter who just got hit and your guard is down. Remember Ronda Rousey in UFC 207? Don’t be Ronda. Get your guard up and remove yourself from this defeat. Don’t just stand there and absorb damage.

It’s Time to Heal

A lot of writers and self-help gurus may tell you that this is the time to forgive, the time to feel good about yourself. That’s not me. Sorry if you came here looking for your participation trophy because I threw it in the trash where it belongs and set it on fire. No rest for the wicked, folks.

If you’re a bad person, you’ll need to face it – but not yet. You aren’t ready to start making judgment calls and decisions. You’re beat up with bruises all over and your face is still bleeding. Give it a rest. The self-recrimination can wait a day or two.

What you can do at this point is focus on healing your wounds. You’re down. You’re hurting. Time to get out the antiseptic and bandages. You will survive. There will be another fight, another game, another love. Your preparation for that next experience begins now. Wash the blood off your face and bind those wounds up. Don’t think about your ex. Don’t think about your bankroll. Those thoughts are for tomorrow. Right now? Get out the ice cream, the weights, the whiskey (if you aren’t in AA) and get relaxed while your brain sorts this out. You aren’t doing this because you deserve it. You’re doing this because you need it.

Recover

You lost him/her. They’re gone. That bad beat, while unavoidable, could have been mitigated by smart play; and the bad calls you made while you were on tilt only exacerbated the situation. You pushed yourself too hard too fast for that competition and ended up with an injury as your consolation prize. In any case, now is the time for acceptance. Your significant other is out of the picture. Your bankroll has evaporated. Your jaw is broken and you won’t be fighting anytime soon. Getting lost in the wat-ifs is for the weak. Are you weak? I didn’t think so.

Question: You know why acceptance – while hard – is so important?

Answer: Because now you can recover.

Recovery here isn’t about resting up. Recovery is about coming back stronger than ever. You need to take a hard look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself who you are – not who you want to be. Who. You. Are.

Are you weak? Admit it

Are you scared? ‘Fess up.

You’re getting ready for a comeback, and you can’t do that if you’re still lying to yourself about anything. Tell yourself exactly what you know you are. Now you know where you’re actually starting from.

Now that you know who you are – or at least you’ve got the semblance of an idea – it’s time for you to decide who you want to be. Forget repairing – you’re a canvas, a work of art, and you have been torn down the middle. You don’t sew a painting back together. You repaint it more vibrantly than ever on a new canvas and with new brushes. This is your own personal resurrection and must be done in your own style, your own brushstrokes. You see, this crisis hasn’t destroyed you, it’s given you a chance at rebirth. How many people besides James Bond get the chance to live more than one life? If you’re looking for a rough framework of how to get started on this, read on.

Make a Plan

Just like building a house, you need to write out plans and lay a solid foundation before you start cutting lumber. Don’t think that your life is any different. You know who you were; who do you want to be – really? What do you believe? What are your values? Don’t make it too complicated – start with something simple like this and build on it. You’ll find that all you need are a few solid parameters that define you as a person. The rest will build itself.

Reevaluate Your Taste

Have you ever tried sushi? What about a fine Cuban cigar on a quiet beach before sundown? This juncture in your life is the time to start trying new things and having new experiences. Go kayaking. Take those scuba lessons. Train up and run that 5k you’ve always wanted to test yourself on.

I should mention – whatever you do, don’t waste this time skulking about in dive bars looking for the next nightly thrill – at least not in your local area. You’re looking to get out of a rut, not assuage your pain. Seek new adventure and you will find far more interesting people and relationships along the way. At worst, you’ll have had some good times and brand new travels that you can use at cocktail parties. You may find a whole lot more than that.

That’s being said, don’t lose hope for 2017. I’ve got a feeling this is going to be a good year!